5iive Lava Related Disaster Films
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If there’s one thing the disaster movies of late have taught us it's that there’s a lot of destruction to be had in Hollywood. And personally I’m a fan of one type in particular. Lava. Hot, gooey, melty earth sauce. It melts, it burns, it relandscapes at completely no cost to you. But it’s also my favorite because of all of its untapped potential. We’ve seen volcanoes and fireballs, but we have yet to truly enjoy fiery disaster porn on the level of Sci Fi Channel original movies (now SyFy). Hence my suggestions for burny goodness that is just ripe for production and subsequent b-listing.
5. CampFire – Let’s start out with a classic. Kids go to camp. They’re having a good time. Maybe too good of a time. They roast their weenies and toast s’mores, but in the morning there’s no respect for the hand that feeds. The embers die and the fire is buried without a second thought. Until it comes back to life. That’s right. Not only from the grave, but from the earth. This campfire spews molten awesome as it burns its victims alive. The campers never had a chance. And neither do next summers', in CAMPFIRE 2: REVENGE OF THE CAMPFIRE!
4. FireAnts – Deep in the Amazonian jungle, military scientist Reginald Fairchild finds a mysterious temple-mound with ancient symbols and pictures. This wonder of human history could unlock the secrets of the cosmos, and all Col. Dr. Fairchild Ph.D. needs is 47 minutes and a platinum decoder ring. But some want to keep secrets what they were meant to be; secret. Thus the fire-worshiping Adhuki tribe unleashes a mystical beast eons old. The FireAnts. Lava spewing terrors of nature, these archaic arthropods mean hot, fiery business. And their hive mind is dead set against the Colonel Doctor. And don’t discount this movie as a one hit wonder. It’s a trilogy. FireAnts. LighteningBugs. ButterFlies. Coming soon to theater near you.
3. Lava Tornado – Time to step into a more natural disaster. A tornado. Of lava. It could happen. Send a hurricane of spiraling doom towards a volcano of erupting fury and you have a recipe for sweet cinema success. Sure it’s implausible, but so was The Day After Tomorrow. And did you see The Core? Don’t even get me started on that one. Plus, we’re talking about a TORNADO of LAVA!! How is the reluctant hero going to stop/avoid/save his family from it? I don’t know, but it’s going to be epic. Enough said.
2. Mancano – What happens when the next Chernobyl explodes over a fault line releasing radioactive, molten mayhem? Mancano. Half-man, half-volcano with a vendetta against life. Raging like a machine, this beast is set on destroying everyone that changed him into a hideous, hotheaded monster. And he’s starting with the Statue of Liberty. What did it do to him? I don’t know, but when in need always mess with Liberty. Because once Mancano takes away your freedom, he’s going after you souls. And your children. In that order. Tanks can’t kill him and nukes don’t dent him so someone will have to step up. Another military experiment to form the ultimate snowman? I’m thinking yes. I’m also thinking part cyborg and part raptor. There’s no way this could fail.
1. Sentient Sun – There is one threat bigger than Al Gore. And that’s global warming. But what if man wasn’t responsible this time? I’m thinking of a bigger foe. Much bigger. It’s at the center of the galaxy and it won’t let us forget it. No star has more star power than Sol itself. And it only wants you think it’s composed of 98% hydrogen and helium. Really it’s melty, burny magma. Plus, it’s out to get us. So of course who is the only person up to the challenge of defeating the sun? Well the only way to kill the King of the Planets is with a Fresh Prince. With Will Smith. He’ll
stop at nothing to save every man, child, and innocent animal from certain peril. And it wouldn’t really be socially acceptable for a white actor to make the Sun a Black Hole. Political correctness is everything nowadays. Mankind will have to find another source of heat and power and light, but that’s minor compared the alternative. It doesn’t really matter what the Sun was trying to do as long as America wins. Not fighting is helping the terrorists. And I am terrified that someday the Sun will turn on us. You’ve had our trust for a couple billion years Mr. Sun, but that only lasts so long. Before it’s time for us to kill you.
stop at nothing to save every man, child, and innocent animal from certain peril. And it wouldn’t really be socially acceptable for a white actor to make the Sun a Black Hole. Political correctness is everything nowadays. Mankind will have to find another source of heat and power and light, but that’s minor compared the alternative. It doesn’t really matter what the Sun was trying to do as long as America wins. Not fighting is helping the terrorists. And I am terrified that someday the Sun will turn on us. You’ve had our trust for a couple billion years Mr. Sun, but that only lasts so long. Before it’s time for us to kill you. So as you see, there’s much joy to be had in the lava business. This underappreciated brand of disaster is ripe for the making. And when it comes right down to it, the only way to fight fire is with more fire; and blockbuster movie stars.
[Credit for this idea goes to Mike Russel and his glorious comics. Party on Mike]
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